Conflict compe­tence – “Mindset meets Method”

Mindset vs Methods

Sustainable conflict resolu­tion starts in the head

Conflict compe­tence – “isn’t there something from Ratiopharm?”

I’m always surprised when interested custo­mers get in touch with the question: “We’re having massive problems with conflicts in our company right now – can you offer us a one-day workshop?”. For one thing – if conflict compe­tence could be ” gained” in a one-day workshop, why didn’t you book it earlier, all the current hassle could have been saved?!
If I could actually guarantee the “One-Day-Conflict-Wonder” – why doesn’t everyone storm my office?
As you can see, my experi­ence as a trainer and consul­tant has proven to me that sustainable conflict resolu­tion and conflict compe­tence do not simply exist by prescrip­tion. There is more to conflict resolu­tion than simply applying a method – the right mindset is a decisive factor!

Conflict isn’t just when things go bang

If we look at conflicts and their develo­p­ment stages accor­ding to the model of Fried­rich Glasl, there are 3 phases (with 3 stages each) which escalate from “win-win”, via “win-lose” to “lose-lose”. Unfort­u­na­tely, conflicts are often only seen and referred to as such when the thres­hold to “win-lose” is almost reached or even already exceeded. The impact and cost of this on conflict resolu­tion, the “inter­per­sonal climate,” and produc­ti­vity have been addressed in depth in studies by Gallup, KMPG, and others. For the U.S. alone, Gallup (2013) has estimated a loss of $350 billion per year. That’s where defini­tions by Ken Blanchard – “A problem only exists if there is a diffe­rence between what is actually happe­ning and what you desire to be happe­ning.” – and

Conflict is the gap between what you want and what you are experi­en­cing
- Nate Regier

a new dimen­sion. Conflicts are our constant compa­nion, and unresolved not only a problem when they become visible as an open dispute. Conflict compe­tence and conflict resolu­tion cannot start early enough.

Conflict compe­tence begins with head and heart

The best conflict resolu­tion method falls short if it is not accom­pa­nied by the neces­sary mindset. How good is a compro­mise where I meet in the middle between 2 positions compared to the result of a joint struggle for “the best of 2 worlds”?  How sustainable is the renun­cia­tion of one’s own solution – just for “the sake of peace”? What commit­ment can I still expect when I have pushed through my idea against the resis­tance of others?
To solve conflicts sustain­ably requires the willing­ness to struggle with each other for the best solution – or to put it differ­ently: to argue with each other at eye level! The basis for such “together­ness” is a mindset of appre­cia­tion, trust and confi­dence – anchored in head and heart.

Stop fighting against the wave, surf on it!

Don’t get drained by many-voiced teams or by diffi­cult clients. Interact differ­ently and use the inter­ac­tions to create fresh solutions. 

What is needed:

Shift The Perspective:

Diffe­rences are natural. Diver­sity means fresh ideas, stops stagna­tion and is the basis of progress. The purpose of conflict is to create from what is there. Go into explore mode, stay curious and listen. Diffe­rences can create momentum and create surpri­sing speed for the new.

Go For Aspira­tions Behind Positions:

Positions are often polar and run a high risk of ending in a win-lose-game. The aspira­tions behind conflicts are the motivating parts. From there strugg­ling against can shift into strugg­ling for. Be inclu­sive with aspira­tions creates engage­ment. Be compas­sio­nate and accoun­table, connec­ting and setting a reliable frame.

Use The Language Of The Other Person:

To connect with the other person, the How people say something is as important as What they say! By using the percep­tual language of people you affect and connect better and deesca­late stress reaction. Go with the flow of what is in the space is like surfing the wave!

Curious about how to surf the wave in diffi­cult conversations?

Leading Out Of Drama® with the concept of compas­sio­nate accoun­ta­bi­lity,
Process Commu­ni­ca­tion Model® with the concept of agile commu­ni­ca­tion and
Positive Intel­li­gence® with the concept of presence and mental strength
are proven frame­works for positive conflict and successful communication!

“You made me feel bad!” – The sweat­pants of emotional self-determination

Jogginghose vor Wordwolke mit Gefühlsausdrücken

It’s still there – the myth of other-directed feelings.…

The Lager­feld sweat­pants of feeling?

I always cringe when I hear questions like “what did that do to you?” or state­ments à la “you made me very sad …” or “… that makes you feel good!”. And every time I remember the legen­dary saying of fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld …

“Who wears sweat­pants has lost control of his/her life”

Karl Lager­feld

Because I wonder: what’s the diffe­rence between Lagerfeld’s sweat­pants and assuming that something or someone can deter­mine my feelings?

If something or someone can “do” something with my feelings, haven’t I lost self-deter­mi­na­tion over my emotions, my feelings?

Your feelings belong to you – do not leave them to anyone else!

I can BE happy or sad, but nobody can MAKE me happy or sad. Someone can try to cheer me up or to sadden me – whether it works and I am then happy or sad is up to me!

Taibi Kahler has described this as the 4 myths:

    • “You can make me feel good”
    • “You can make me feel bad”
    • “I can make you feel good”
    • “I can make you feel bad”

It all starts with my attitude towards myself

Attitudes toward ourselves and others greatly influence how we will react and feel about state­ments and behavior.

When I say to myself, that I am only OK if I please others, then I will allow others to “make me feel good”. If I don’t think I’m OK myself, then I invite others to “make me feel bad”. When in doubt, I always give in just to keep peace.

If I have the strong belief that I can make others perfect and strong, then I will try to “save” you with unsoli­cited advice, belie­ving that I can “make them feel good”.

If I think others are irrespon­sible and uncom­mitted, I will try to make them “feel bad” to get what I want.

What’s your experience?

What situa­tions invite (you?) to believe even the myth that others can make you feel bad?

What can you change today to regain control over your feelings and behavior?

Clear, calm, laser-focused in a job interview

As career coach I am often confronted with the question of how you can be and stay your authentic and clear self in a job inter­view, be impactful in the middle of a poten­ti­ally stressful situa­tion, facing both chance and risk of denial.

You hold two keys to success in your hands!

Follow a clear-cut process to step up fully with your perso­na­lity and exper­tise and activate your mental strength to be be resilient under stress.

Key 1The process part is a path of explo­ra­tion, analysis and focus ahead of the inter­view. It’s about you, your passion and your USP for the market and the specific job in front of you. There are 3 leading questions:
What is your „I want …“, your values and goals?
What is your „I can …“ – your exper­tise and your success stories?
What is your „hitpoint and sweet spot …“ – your why this job and why this company?

This clarity gives you confi­dence and impact in how you step up and it makes you belie­vable having matching stories and successes to tell.

Key 2Your mental strength is to step up with clarity and calmness in the challen­ging context of a job inter­view and recover quickly when you are hijacked by stress

Does any of the follo­wing scenario and self-sabota­ging mindchatter sound familiar?
Before the inter­view: “I want this job so much. I am afraid I am blocked tomorrow and will forget what I want to say.” “If I lose, I will be in trouble. I need this job so much.“ „Am I good enough?” “What if they ask why I have left my old job. I am afraid my emotions come up again.”
During the inter­view: “This HR-execu­tive looks so puzzled. I seem to have given the wrong answer.” “I am so nervous, my voice trembles.” “Shit, I forgot an important info.” “I hear myself speaking and I don’t seem to come to the point.” “I am tense and not my usual self.”

If you are in that mindset of negative emotions you are in the stress part of your brain and have no access to your full poten­tial, your creati­vity, clarity and to calm laser-focused action.

What now!

I recom­mend highly effec­tive exercises to both activate your mental fitness muscle before the event and to recover quickly in case of stress hijacking during the event. These tools are from Positive Intel­li­gence by Shirzad Chamine.

  • Preempt your saboteurs:
    Antici­pate the inter­view and your possible self-sabota­ging reaction; Pause and breathe. Then imagine yourself reacting calm and clear and stepping up your best self.
    What is fasci­na­ting: our brain does not diffe­ren­tiate between real and imagined. When you imagine the positive process, the same neuro-circuitry pathway is activated as during a real success experience.
  • Activate your mental fitness muscle:
    This can be used before the situa­tion to gain energy and focus and in the stress situa­tion to quickly calm down and recover.
    What is fasci­na­ting: the little exercises, called PQ reps, only take 10 seconds each and they don’t need a quiet solitary place to practice. Do it in the middle of the hustle-bustle of life and if needed during a stress hijacking:
    The secret is to actively focus on your sensa­tions. By that you stop your mind jumping around and instead focus on one physical sense. You can feel the effect immedia­tely. If in that moment you were under a MRI you would also get the scien­tific proof that your stress center is quieted down and your sage creative part of the brain is activated.

Here are two of many varia­tions you can do

  • PQ rep using your sense of touch
    finger-printTouch one device (pen, paper, coffee cup, glass of water) in front of you and really feel the tempe­ra­ture, texture and sensa­tions on your finger tips. Maybe move your finger tips slowly so you can feel more sensations.
    Great Job!
  • PQ rep using breath
    breathingTake a couple of deep breaths. Now let your breath settle into its normal mode. Feel the rising and falling of your chest and stomach with each breath. Notice the tempe­ra­ture of air as it enters your nostrils and the tempe­ra­ture of air as it exits your nostrils.
    Great job!

If you do PQ reps regularly during the day, you can conti­nously build up your mental muscle.

 

Explore further possi­bi­li­ties with Mental Fitness – how to sustain­ably train and build up your mental strength, to be resilient facing any challenges and setbacks and recover quicker – for more click here

You have questions around impactful job inter­views and you want to learn more about a successful job shift:

key!4c – coaching training consul­ting (en)

Our English website is currently still a construc­tion site.
But until it fills with “life”, there is already the Events-Calendar with our English-language offers and the first blogs cool

Conflict compe­tence – “Mindset meets Method”

Conflict compe­tence is not only a question of method – it is above all a question of mindset. Even the smallest irrita­tions can have conflict poten­tial. Valuing, trust and confi­dence create safety, curious interest and consis­tency. Together with the right method, this forms the basis for conflict competence.

Stop fighting against the wave, surf on it!

Don’t get drained by many-voiced teams or by diffi­cult clients. Interact differ­ently and use the inter­ac­tions to create fresh solutions.
Shift The Perspec­tive – Go For Aspira­tions Behind Positions – Use The Language Of The Other Person
Curious about how to surf the wave in diffi­cult conversations?
Leading Out Of Drama® with the concept of compas­sio­nate accountability,
Process Commu­ni­ca­tion Model® with the concept of agile commu­ni­ca­tion and
Positive Intel­li­gence® with the concept of presence and mental strength
are proven frame­works for positive conflict and successful communication!

“You made me feel bad!” – The sweat­pants of emotional self-determination

Can other people be respon­sible for our feelings? Are we able to deter­mine the feelings of others? Whoever believes this has given up emotional self-determination!

Clear, calm, laser-focused in a job interview

As career coach I am often asked the question of how to be focused and impactful in stressful situa­tions. You hold two keys to success in your hands: Follow a clear-cut process to step up fully with your perso­na­lity and exper­tise and activate your mental strength to stay calm and clear under stress.

Why does negative drag us down more than positive uplifts us?

Why does negative drag us down more than positive uplifts us? And why is it so critical for us to have a minimum ratio of 3 to 1 positive versus negative?
If you are above this ratio you are uplifted by a vortex of positi­vity and if you are below it you are feeling conti­nu­ally dragged down by a vortex of negati­vity. Thank you Shirzad Chamine for compi­ling relevant research on this 3 to 1 ratio in your book “Positive Intel­li­gence” and adding your own studies of the PQ vortex for describing this energetic phenomenon.